nine pounds less

Well, for those of you who don't live near me, I'm lettin' the secret out of the bag...I'm on a weight-loss program.  In two weeks, I've lost 9 pounds.  Yes 9.  It's been about 7 years since I was this size.  And the plan is to go down another 20...all just in time for my husband's graduation from the PC.   About 15 years ago I took a year of my life and lost 30 pounds the slow way.  And I kept that off through 3 babies' births and several birthdays.  But then we moved 7 years ago to a new town, new job, new everything...and well, I guess stress set in...stress that I dealt with by eating.  Oh from time to time I'd go back to low-fat eating and of course through it all I was still walking (briskly, the exercise kind) pretty regularly.  But nothing helped.  My doctor told me I had "bad genes."  Yep.  That wasn't really all that helpful.

Well I've noticed several things through this two week journey so far.  One is the amazing hold that food had on me.  Not just my own eating, but planning for others.  I love to make tasty dishes.  And for me tasty equalled fattening.  Cream sauces, cheeses, etc.  Comfort food was normally on my family's menu at least 3-4 times a week.  But food ceases to be comforting when you begin to feel your tiredness, can't enjoy swimming with your children 'cause you hate to put on a swimsuit, and grimace every time someone tries to take your picture...because you don't want to see what you "really" look like.  Now hear me, extra weight has no lasting hold on robbing us of our eternal joy, which is in Christ, but it can hinder us from things...things that we otherwise would be eager to do.  I am seeing now how food can control us, just the way other draws can.  Spending, perfectionism, acceptance, ....the list just goes on.  Not being able to run to a snack or even a sugary drink these last two weeks has been a fast in and of itself.  I actually went through a de-tox phase from denying my body the sugar and carbs it was used to having.  Headaches, fatigue, dizziness, mood swings...wow.  It was very unpleasant.  But once those first 4 or 5 days ended, my body switched into "fat-burning mode" which produced energy, stable emotions, and just a general sense of well-being. 

Now there are days when I think "What, it's time to eat again?"  I am busy doing things, things that perhaps in the past I would have postponed until I "felt like it."  I have learned so much about myself through this.  For instance, what does it look like to have God alone as your resting place?  No imitations can substitute.  When the pressure's on and it's 3 hours 'til your next 100 calories can be eaten, what will you do?  Use self-control.  Ask God to help you make it.  Look for a way of escape.  You don't NEED to eat.  God will supply your NEED, when there truly is one.  And then each day links to the next, and before you know it a week or two weeks has gone by.  Now you have new habits.  Habits of saying "no" to that thing that held you before.  You're not even tempted when you're in situations where that old hold presents itself.  You remember the pain of dying to it, and you really don't want to go through that again. 

So now, I am trying to apply these lessons to other areas of my life.  What have I believed I "needed" over the years that I really didn't?  How have I tried to "fill" myself with things, when only God could truly meet that void?  I have a feeling this is just the beginning.

the firsts and the lasts

Wow.  This week has been full of "firsts" and "lasts."  We officially have secured our "first" home outside the U.S.!!  And it's so wonderful for more reasons than I can express.  Beautiful, open kitchen (complete with island and double ovens!)  A dream come true for me.  A pool and playground area for the girls (and friends who visit!), an open-concept layout.  4 Bedrooms, 2.5 baths, safety (walled/fenced) and palm trees on site!  And the landlords agreed to take a 25% rent reduction for us, as well as a two-year lease.  God is so good to us.
Another "first" was watching as our two vehicles were loaded on a car-carrying truck (the kind with 8 or so cars dangling high on racks...that you hate to drive behind or beside).  Yep, there they went, off to sunny Nassau without us.  I secretly wished I could have climbed in one of them, cracked the windows and made the trip now!


 Now for a "last." The girls and I had our last homeschooling co-op at Covenant Life.  And perhaps we will find, our last homeschool co-op in the US.  This is a little sobering.  Not that there aren't homeschoolers in Nassau, but there is one co-op for an island of 200,000 people.  And it's not big.  We're not in Lancaster County, PA anymore...

 But the more riveting "last" of the week was: we had our last care group of the PC year with Gary and Betsy Ricucci.  This is sad.  In fact, I expect the example of a pastor's wife that I will look to in years to come will always be Betsy...and I got one of my last times with her this week.  She hugged me and reminded me, "You know, I'm only a Skype away!"   Wow.  She's right.  I'm glad we live in the year 2012!  Think of the days when letters were the only form of overseas communication, and it could take months to send and receive.

Well, this list of firsts and lasts will inevitably grow as the weeks wind down.  We are 5 weeks from graduation and 7 weeks from moving internationally.  Yikes.  I guess I better start packing.

dwelling place

As I was cleaning up from dinner tonight, the words "dwelling place" crossed my mind.  "Hmm," I thought.  "I know God is our dwelling place.  But what does that really mean?  How does that affect me?"  You see, lately, all that's been talked about in our family has been our next "dwelling place"...aka Nassau, Bahamas.  And even more specifically, the exact house we will call a home when we move there.  Oh, the fun that we've had looking online at the options! At least it was fun at first.  Then we got our hearts fairly set on a home, made the agreement verbally and POOF! It was leased out from under us.  Easy come, easy go.

This Tuesday our senior pastor in Nassau will be making the deposit and signing the lease for us on another home.  This second house appears to be even better than the first.  That would be the kindness of God.  But here's the rub: as much as I love nesting and dreaming of what I can do with my home, it will always be a transient space.  Not only transient because we have no idea how long the Lord will have us living in the Bahamas, but transient because our home is not a place....it's a person.  Hmm.  A person.  And not just any person, but the eternal God who was there before the mountains were brought forth or the earth was formed by him.  He is from everlasting to everlasting.  (Psalm 90) 

Craving a home is human nature, perhaps, because we ultimately have a void in us only God can fill.  And if he is our dwelling place, essentially we crave Him.  His permanence, his comfort, his shelter, his care for our every need, his acceptance, his father-love for us.  All things we may think of when we think of "home."   It is both freeing and challenging to realize that all the things I crave in a home or home-life can only be met in God.  Freeing because I realize there is value in creating a warm, inviting shelter for my family, friends, and yet-to-be friends.  The gospel offers a haven.  I want my home to be gospel-centered haven.  But on the other hand it is challenging to realize my true dwelling place is in God because nothing I ever create or nurture on the earth will be complete...it is a shadow.  I will not find my fulfillment in it.

This is so good for me right now.  Perhaps for you too.  There are many reasons why we need to have our fingers pried off of our home-desires.  I'm pondering mine now.  But I am provoked to explore how God has been, is, and will always be my dwelling place.  And in light of that, how I can use our home to proclaim to others the good news that God can be their dwelling place too?  This is an area God gives to us as women, mothers, hostesses, to almost exclusively spotlight for people.  The home may be God's greatest tool for evangelism.  And I am the keeper of that home.  What a thought!  What a hope!  I'm going to pray, starting tonight, that God will let our new home be a place where gospel light is seen and offered.  I am inspired!

there is no "IN" crowd

High school.  No, junior high really.  Well, maybe even elementary school.  Yeah, probably there....that's where it starts.  That sense of, "THEY are the IN people."  It's that realization that there are those who have all the social perks in life: money, good looks, talent, intelligence (to some degree), maybe even a family with a well-known name.  And it doesn't take long for you to figure out if you are one of them. 

I was always somewhere in the middle.  If there is such a category.  But two things always bugged me about this unspoken social hierarchy:

1) That there was even such a thing.  I mean who made it up?  Some "IN" group of people from long
     ago?

2) Why wasn't I "IN" it?  Was there any way to breach the boundaries and get in?  Was I doomed to the
     fate of one who was eternally not "IN?"

We have daughters who are dealing with these same issues right now.  And they don't even go to a school: they're homeschooled.  But unfortunately, these issues can creep into the church too.  Especially among the teens or young adults.  And yet, here's the thing, inside the gospel, there is no room for this system of thinking.  We were ALL outsiders.  There was only one insider: Jesus.  We could never hope to be in the "inner ring" with him, the one who truly and soley matters.  "In this way: on the cross," Dane Ortlund writes, "the one true insider became an outsider so that you and I, who are naturally born outsiders, can freely get inside."

How should this gospel affect our view of people?  Wow.  For starters, it turns all our human thinking on it's head, thank goodness.  We, of all people, should know better than to exclude anybody from our "IN" group.  We were all outsiders, in the worst, most damning sense, until Jesus gave his life for us and invited us in.  Any division of who's "IN" inside the church is a complete anti-gospel thought pattern.  And even as we look outside the church, there is no room for making judgements about who may or may not ever darken the door of our Sunday meeting, be converted, and become one of God's elect.  That too, is anti-gospel thinking.  This is serious business.  Jesus, referring to Peter as he tried to talk him out of suffering and being killed, said "Get behind me Satan!  You are a hindrance to me.  For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man."  Matt. 16:23

Whoa.  These are strong, serious words from Jesus.  Curtis Allen, a pastor whom I mentioned in my last post, said that if we examine these words, we see that Christ is really saying all thought contrary to gospel-minded thinking is not just wrong, but Satanic.  I see it, do you?  Seemingly harmless, man-centered ways of thinking....yet if you follow them to their core, they reek of Satan, the prince of this world.  Division, comparison, self-righteousness, grouping according to money, looks, power...these are all his little subtle ways of tearing down unity that Christ died go give us.

May we all turn from these twisted ways of thinking and behold the One who chose to be an outsider, that we may be with God eternally.  And may we tear down any false thinking in our own minds that elevate what man thinks over what our Eternal Father has done for you, "As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ."  I Pet. 2:4-5

befriended by the browns...

When we arrived at the PC (Pastor's College) this year, we really didn't know what to expect in terms of finding friends, "clicking" with people, etc.  We came with fairly open minds and hearts as to who God would or wouldn't bring our way.

It was the first unoffical PC event of the year, a picnic.  The first PC wife I met was Tammy Brown.  Someone later described her as a "Sarah Palin look-alike." But there is Oh, So Much More to my friend Tammy.  She is a woman I will never have the grace to be, but I admire her gifting and practical life-wisdom.  She sews civil war era costumes for her daughters, bakes her own bread (not with a bread machine), plans about 58 field trips a year (or more), makes applesauce by the ton, makes the cutest homemade gifts (aprons, crayon roll-ups, tote bags, etc), and manages to keep a vibrant relationship with her husband and each of her four daughters.  This is really just the fringe of all she is capable of.  And yet, somehow, she finds spending time with me.....refreshing.  Miracles never cease. 

Gracie and Kendall, sisters at heart

Pocahontas....was she really so large?

These sisters have been switched!

living in denial (self-denial, that is)

Ah, the negative connotation that comes with the words "self denial."  Who likes the sound of it?  In fact, if we're honest, most of us (perhaps especially moms), think we deny ourselves pretty much all the time, thank you very much.  But truthfully, truth-FULLY, we don't.  My selfish motives lurk right near the surface of the "selfless" things I do. 

Jesus knows this about us. In fact he alone truly "sees" us as we are.   And here is what he tells us in Matthew 16:24-26, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.  For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.  For what is a man profited if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?  Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?"  He goes on to talk about rewards according to our works. 

Curtis Allen, a pastor at Solid Rock Church in Riverside, MD, recently preached on this passage of Matthew.  I was affected.  And I have been thinking ever since, "What have I actually denied myself in/of/from lately?"  Christ says if I'm truly following him, there will be a cross to bear.  That's his example to us.  If we are saved, then we must suffer too...it's like a brand we wear.  Whether that be outright persecution for speaking out our faith, or quiet persecution like having family members who think we're a little cracked in the head, or health trials that God is asking us to endure with grace...  There are many forms which our "cross" might take.  And what is our reply to Him?  "Yes, Jesus, good and kind Savior.  I will take up this cross and walk alongside you in suffering.  I want to learn to be like you.  I will bear this, with you at my side."  Or is it, "ME?  Why ME?  I didn't ask for this!  I'm a pretty good person.  I try to do my best.  I can't suffer AGAIN.  I thought that last trial was enough.  It went on for years.  I thought I'd never come out of it.  So no more please.  I've proved I love you ....don't you think?"   It takes faith to bear our cross.  But no matter how difficult our cross, it will never compare to the weight of the one Jesus bore for us.   His father turned away from Him so that He could look on us with acceptance.  We will never know the forsaking of God.  But Jesus did.  We get to follow Jesus when we take up our cross.  But there was no one for him to follow: He walked alone.

Today I am taking up a cross and denying myself.  But I'm doing it in faith, knowing I don't walk alone, but with Jesus, my Savior walking beside me.  I hope to gain far more than I will lose in this journey.  Deeper knowledge of my Savior.  Greater love for him.  Greater thankfulness for all he suffered for me.  And the "fellowship of His suffering."  I choose to live in denial, so that I can see the truth clearly.

what I should have said...

What I wanted to say in that last post (as I led you through the evils of the 5 cent bag tax) was that I actually had a truly grateful day today.  In the midst of walking in the rain, buying the groceries and carrying them back up to my apt. I kept thinking of how grateful  I was that God had it rain today.  Grateful that I had money with which to buy groceries, and even that extra 25 cents for the bags.  God is so good to me.  Sometimes it's funnier to talk about the little foxes that spoil the vine, because more people seem to relate to that.  I love to be witty.  Love to get a laugh here and there. 

But the more God-glorifying thing to tell you, those few of you who follow me here, is that God is worthy to be praised.  He is always working for our good.

You see, this past week we've received lots of bad news.  Some of it minor, some of it serious.  Like babies of dear friends that have been miscarried, future friends (we thought) who will be moving out of the country we're moving to before we ever get there, and "the perfect rental house" lost to another client with more clout.  In all these things, God is the same sovereign king. He has said "no" to several things we had hope for.  "No." " Not going to be."  "Not the way you prayed." " Not this time."  "But pray again.  I am always planning.  I am always listening.  I never sleep.  I never forsake."  And unlike me, there are never words God should have said and didn't.  He always speaks rightly.